The Fear Factor

I think that I have pinpointed part of the reason that this pregnancy feels so surreal.  I don't know why it took me so long to figure this out, but it's the Fear Factor.  Any woman that has dealt with pregnancy after infertility, pregnancy after loss, adoption after an adoption failed all know this feeling.  It's an overwhelming fear that some greater force has made the decision that this baby is not meant to be.

I believe in God.  Strongly.  I believe that what happens is his will.  But that doesn't take away the fear factor.  That wouldn't make a loss any easier, or another cycle after a loss any easier.

I've realized over the last few days that I spend time every day worrying.  Wondering.  Fearing.  Agonizing.  Being Scared.  Every Day.  I remember this now from the pregnancy with Buggie.  It never fully went away, but it did get easier as the weeks went on.  As I passed the 12 week mark and the threat of miscarriage reduced.  Getting the RhoGham shot and the threat of loss reduced.  Passing viability.  Making it into the 3rd trimester.  Making it through bed rest and threatened pre-term labor with the baby still safe and snug inside me. Making it to my due date, and then yes, even overdue.

So, as this realization hit me, as it really sunk in today that I've been fighting this feeling I'm making myself a promise.  This will, most likely, be my last pregnancy.  I will not waste time worrying about it.  I will trust in God, and yes, pray that he keeps us all safe, even this tiny new life growing inside of me.  I will take one day at a time, and enjoy every moment of this life being in the one place that I have a little more control over keeping it  safe.

I will live every day knowing that Today, I am Pregnant.

Life in General

Happy Memorial Day to everyone!

I don't really have a whole lot to say, but I wanted to at least post something so that everyone knows I'm alive and well!

Tomorrow I will be 8 weeks pregnant.  I don't have any symptoms that are around all the time other than exhaustion.  I am, however, starting to feel more.  I get nauseous if I haven't eaten enough, and I am starting to deal with some heartburn.  I'm also now and again getting floaters in my peripheral vision, which comes from the fact that I have nice low blood pressure.  I'm still dealing with the emotional mood swings, poor K.

Last night Nana watched Bug, and K and I went out on a date.  We had a real nice dinner, and then oddly enough, went shopping.  We bought most of the things we need for camping next month for our 10 year anniversary.  Then we went grocery shopping, which was nice to do together and without a babe in tow.  It was a nice evening.

I was excited to read a fellow bloggers post recently to learn that her first cycle IUI has worked, and she's pregnant!  I found her blog a while ago, and I feel like we were on such a similar track.  We both struggled with primary IF, had to have ART of some form to get pregnant, then had to wean before we felt ready in order to try for a second child.  She has been a great cheerleader while I went through IVF, and I am so happy that she is now pregnant as well.  She's only a few weeks behind me, so I'm excited to share this journey of second pregnancy and birth after dealing with infertility.

K and I still feel like this pregnancy is surreal.  We know we're pregnant, but with the minimal symptoms it's so strange to believe it.  I have a little baby bump, which is probably still mostly from dealing with the OHSS.  We were afraid that by now I'd have to have told everyone about the pregnancy, but not so far.  I hope to make it 4 more weeks, so we'll see.

Bug is waking up from her nap, so I have to go check on her.  Have a great day everyone!!

Hating Daycare

So, before we moved we were in this great little family run christian daycare.  I knew all the teachers real well, and they all LOVED bug.  I mean really, who wouldn't love the infant and toddler that just LOVED to cuddle? I cried when I gave them our notice to leave.  It was SO hard.

So we found a daycare here and it didn't last long.  K was just getting back into work, so it was OK, we pulled her out and had her at home a week before starting at a new place.  We liked this one pretty good, it is part of a Montessori school.  There is a 1:7 ratio for her age, and there are 3 'classes' in one big room that is separated with low walls so all the kids can kind of see each other.  It's an interesting set up.

But then it happened.  The first bite.  We didn't think anything of it at first, I mean, our hearts hurt because we didn't want her to get bit, but it was OK.  But then it happened again.  And again.  And again.  It started happening more and more.  The teachers weren't catching it every time, so we weren't always getting incident reports.  We would get home and change her diaper or get her ready for bed and find them.  Bug is so sweet natured, this was NOT OK.  So we complained.  A couple of times to the teachers in the room (did no good) and finally to the office.  They said at the time it was mostly one kid, but there was another that had been part of the problem.  Nothing got done.

A new teacher started a couple of weeks ago and K and I starting talking about our options.  I typically pick her up, but he did on Friday, and on his way down the hall he could hear bug crying.  He walked in the room to  find the little boy that we have figured out to the be the one that mostly bites her, and he has her PINNED to the ground, biting, while the teacher is sitting off to the side.  This is NOT acceptable.  K scoops her up and immediately goes to the office to talk to them.  I'm pissed.  K is pissed.  We agree to get serious about finding her a new daycare.  In the meantime, she has to continue going because we have no other options.  So she goes Monday.  I get there to pick her up, and the office manager is in her room.  She proceeds to tell me that she has spent the day there, presumably to figure out what to do to fix this issue.  Then she informs me that yes, Bug was bit, again that day.  I start bawling, tell her it's unacceptable, that we're looking at leaving, and that I'm pregnant again and can't stand the though of either of my babies dealing with this.  She is very empathetic, but it's beyond that for me.

So, bug goes back yesterday.  By 10:00am I get a call from the office manager that she's been bit, again.  She then informs me that she moved her to a different group.  Mind you, this is all in a message.  So when I get there to pick her up I find out her new teacher, whom I like and can tell adores Bug.  I ask her if it's permanent, because I expect it to be.  I kind of fill her in on what's been going on, which she isn't aware of, but she is aware of the fact that I threatened to leave.  She takes me to the office manager to discuss the move being permanent.  She agrees that it will be.

But I'm still done.  We are in the process of finding her a new place, but at least for now the hope is that the bites will stop as she is separated from the little boy who is torturing my sweet hearted little girl.  The last couple of weeks she has been going down for sleep tough, she has started waking up at night again, and has started to cry when K drops her off at daycare.  It's obvious to me that the biting is part of it, she doesn't feel safe there anymore (although admittedly I do also think her eye teeth are finally coming in).

So right now, she has 5 healing bites that you can still see, 2 on her right arm, one on her cheek, and two HORRIBLE ones on her back.  That's just from this week.  That doesn't count the 3 that are pretty much gone from Friday.

Call me judgmental.  I know kids bite, but this, to me, is a cry for attention from that little boy.  Biting some is one thing, but if he is biting Bug this much (sometimes upwards of 7 times in a 3 day period), you know he has to be biting others too.  I have never felt such bad feelings towards a kid that, at most, is 26 months old.  I'm trying to forgive him and ask God to help his family get past whatever it is that causes this little boy to act out.  I'm trying.  But right now, I just feel bad feelings towards him and the way he is bullying my daughter at this tender age.  It's NOT OK.

I blame the daycare for not coming up with a better solution sooner.  I have a bad taste in my mouth now about this daycare, for not DOING SOMETHING until I forced their hand.  But now it's too late.  We are going to leave, it's just a matter of when.

I love my little girl so much, and it hurts me to see her hurt.  (and it's not cool that we look like abusive parents either, he pretty much gave her a black eye about a month ago by scratching her, and all weekend we were stared at like the worst parents ever.)

I'm still pregnant!

Wow, I really didn't mean to make you all wait for so long before getting an update!!  The last two weeks have been a crazy whirlwind, full of good things!

Last Thursday I got my second beta draw.  My numbers were 5,105, which is a great number!  So we scheduled our first ultrasound, and that just happened to be today.  They found my ovaries are still huge, but I don't look nearly as pregnant and I'm not nearly as uncomfortable.  But the most important thing is that they saw one gestational sac, with the yolk and everything.  Then the best part, they found our new little ones heartbeat.  I cried to the point where the ultrasound tech told me she knew I was excited but I had to try to hold still so she could get her measurements!  There really is a baby in there.  I really am pregnant again.  I know I keep saying this, but I think it's finally hitting home!

One of the reasons it still feels unreal is because I'm not feeling a lot of symptoms.  I'm definitely more tired, and my nipples are a LITTLE more tender, I've had a couple small random bouts of nausea, but not really a whole lot more than that.  I'm 6 weeks 3 days pregnant.  With Bug at this point in my pregnancy my boobs hurt SO bad (and had for weeks), I'd been struggling with insane heartburn, the morning sickness had started when I was about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, I'd been having headaches already, and I couldn't stand the smell of coffee. These are just the ones I can remember right now, but I'm not really having any of that.  It's so strange how different pregnancy can be.  I know any/all of it can still hit, and while I won't wish it on, I'll be OK with it.

The OHSS is mostly gone, as I mentioned above I'm still just slightly uncomfortable.  I've lost all but 1 pound of the water weight I gained, and I don't expect to lose that last pound nor do I expect the little bit of a tummy I now have to go away.  I suspect those will be around now until after baby!!

I feel this overwhelming sense of love in the air around me.  Life is good, it really is.  I had a good cry, it was interesting.  It was happy tears, we have a pregnancy, we have a heartbeat.  I think the tears were in part for all that has happened over the last 6 years, since the day we began trying, through failed IVF's, through our separation, the first pregnancy and the thought that K may never be biologically related to our kid(s).  It was a tough choice to try IVF one more time, and it was well worth it.  Well worth the cost, the stress, the injections, everything.  We made the impossible happen.

Life is good.

OHSS

So, a couple of days ago my bloating got worse.  I gained some weight, my tummy looks pregnant.  I'm uncomfortable, still feeling like my stomach might explode.  So I called the RE yesterday, and since I was going in for my beta this morning, they added some additional blood work and an ultrasound to check for hyperstimulation.

So I went in for a 7:00 appointment, and didn't get out until 11:00.  It was fun times.  First, the good news!  My beta came back at 488.  Ladies I am PREGNANT!  The at home tests apparently weren't enough to prove it, I needed to hear the doctor tell me that I'm pregnant.  It was amazing.  The sweetest words.

So, the rest of the morning.  When the phlebotomist came to take my blood she looked at me sympathetically and asked how I felt.  I let her know that I was pretty uncomfortable.  So while she was taking my blood she asked if I took an at home test, and I told her I did, and that it was positive.  She congratulated me.  Then I got an ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech said 'yep, you have a moderate case of hyperstimulation.  See all this fluid here, here and here?  And see how big your ovaries are?'  Yep, that was nice.  Then I talked to the nurse.  Then I talked to the first RE (not mine specifically) and he felt my stomach, where he could feel the fluid.  He told me that he wanted to wait to let me go home until they have my complete blood count back, to make sure that I didn't need an IV.  So they let me chill out in a room, where I laid back and relaxed.  The nurse brought me water and snacks, and checked on me often.  Then my RE stopped in and talked to me about hyperstim and also checked out my stomach.  It was really nice, they were all so concerned, it was cute.  So a while later my RE came back in, said everything looked pretty good (mainly I wasn't overly dehydrated, sounds kinda backwards, doesn't it?) and I could go home, with orders to take it easy and drink lots of fluids, including gatorade.

I wasn't 10 minutes out the door when the RE called me.  He said he looked at my labs again, and my Albumin (I think?) was low, and if I could come back he really wanted to give me an IV with some Albumin, he thought it may help my discomfort, and help my body release the fluids.  So I turned around and went back.  I ended up talking to the first RE I had talked to that morning, the RE that did my transfer, and my RE.  They all kept stopping in to check on me while I was getting my IV.  Even the nurse mentioned that I was a popular patient that morning.  They all talked about my positive pregnancy test, and how hyperstimulation tends to get worse when you get pregnant.  They were all so darn awesome.  Right before I left was when they got my beta numbers back, and I talked to my RE about them.  He's really happy with where they are.  I go in for my second beta next Thursday to make sure all is doubling OK, then my first ultrasound a week and 1/2 after that, at which time we'll hear the heartbeat and be released to my OB/Gyn.

Um, Wow.  I'm really pregnant.  I'm carrying K's baby.  It's still so surreal, I'm not sure it's fully sank in yet.

So, in case you didn't believe me, enjoy this picture of what OHSS looks like:

And to top it off, one of my employees asked if I was pregnant today.  Yikes.  I just told her I had high hormone levels and was therefore retaining fluid, and we were trying to take care of it.  Guess I'm not gonna be able to hide it for very long, am I?!

And because I haven't posted recent pictures, say Hi to the soon to be big sister!

I feel like I have so much more to say, but I can't seem to get my thoughts together.  I'm exhausted.  I think that's a mix of early pregnancy, progesterone and hyperstimulation.  Fun times.

(OHSS aka Hyperstimulation - This happens when estrogen levels get high and your body has a difficult time releasing fluids, so they accumulate in the open spaces.  If one becomes pregnant, the HCG released in pregnancy causes the effects of OHSS to intensify and sometimes get worse before it gets better.  In mild and moderate cases, this ends up being mainly in your stomach.  They can drain it if it gets bad enough.  In severe cases it can accumulate around your heart and in your lungs, and can cause hospitalization and even be fatal.  The walls in your body can become permeable.  I don't know all the scientific mumbo jumbo, but that's the gist of it in plain english.  I have moderate OHSS, so it's really uncomfortable but not life threatening.)  

Excited. Amazed. Love.

So.  I don't even really know where to begin this post to be honest.  I think I've mentioned before that I'm having some symptoms.  It started last Sunday with the insane craving for Clausen pickles.  yes, it had to be Clausens.  I've eaten almost 3 jars in a week.

Then Monday I started feeling some twinges.  Those came and went for the next few days.  I got bloated, then it got better (although the pregnant looking tummy stayed) and now I'm bloated again (I mean, it feels like my stomach wants to explode out my sides).  I've started struggling with some heartburn.  I'm finding myself very tired, but at times I cannot sleep.  I've started waking up 2 or 3 times a night to pee.

Can anyone see where I'm going?

So on Friday, I peed on an OPK.  I've heard that they can work as a pregnancy test.  But see, the thing is I promised K that I wouldn't POAS without his agreement to do so.  So I figured that since it wasn't really a pregnancy test it didn't count, right?  Well, these OPK's were expired.  Like WAY expired.  Like 2009 expired.  I found them when we moved, they were from back when we were trying to conceive our first, before we knew the score, before we knew we needed IVF with ICSI.  And 2 beautiful lines showed up.  Whoa.  But hey, it's SO expired, and they came up kinda fast, so I'm totally not buying it.

Yesterday we were at Target and I got a wave of nausea.  Like I thought I was gonna toss my cookies.  It hung around for a few minutes and went away.  Of course I told K about it.  I asked him about testing, he didn't want to.  He said it was like a kid on Christmas morning, but Christmas isn't until Friday (day of my beta blood test).  I told him that Christmas was really this weekend.  He didn't agree.

We went out last night with S, you may remember her as she is one of the other mommas that I donated my frozen breast milk to.  Her daughter is now 17 months, and she and her husband were in town (without their 4 kids) for a conference.  So Nana babysat and we went out.  Late.  We didn't get home until after 1:00.  I was the DD and the other 3 had some drinks.  It was a lot of fun!

Bug woke me up a little earlier than normal today.  I let K sleep as he had a bit to drink and had to work today.  I lay in bed listening to Bug chattering in her crib for about 20 minutes.

Then I couldn't take it anymore, because I KNEW.  Just like I knew our first IVF failed.  I KNEW.  So I did it.  I took a test.  I'm 10dp3dt (10 days past 3 day transfer).  On the early side but not too early.  I tried hard not to stare at the stick.  But there it showed up.  A bit light still, but it's there. The picture below is hard to see it in.  But it's there.  Positive.  POSITIVE!  I'm pregnant!!

I climbed on the bed and whispered in K's ear that he could be mad at me if he wanted.  He was all like 'what?' in his sleep.  So I told him he was gonna be a daddy again, that I'm pregnant, and I proceeded to cry.  He smiled so big.

OMG, I'm pregnant.  I can't seem to stop saying it over and over.  To think it over and over.  To just touch my tummy and know what is going on.  I can't quite wrap my brain around it yet.  I'm amazed, happier than words can say.  I keep thanking God.  The fear creeps in just a little that it won't last, but really, very little can stop the way I am feeling right now.

Thank you all for your support!  It's been amazing.  I can't wait to keep you all up on the continuing saga!

Don't Ignore

So, this week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  The campaign asks bloggers to start a blog with the words Don't Ignore.  So, here goes.

Don't ignore your Heart.  So many of us that deal with Infertility learn to put our feelings in a place where they are unreachable.   It's a protection really, and I'm well known to do it myself.  But we must remember not to ignore our heart, ignore those feelings when they need to creep up.  We need to allow ourselves to feel, to really feel, what infertility is doing to us, what it is taking away.  That raw open wound that is easier to hide away, but facing it allows you to grow from the experience and move on as necessary.  It allows you to say Goodbye to those little souls you've lost, to those babies that could have been.  It allows you to keep moving forward, pushing towards your goal.

Don't ignore Hope.  This is a tough one.  Without hope we can't make it through.  With hope we are torn down  time and time again.  Without it we think we can move through the motions of making a baby with nothing attached to it.  With it we allow ourselves to put everything we have into doing what must be done, into doing all the things that may just work for us even if they haven't worked for someone else.  (or maybe they have, and that's why we're trying it).

I wish I could write as eloquently as so many of the bloggers that I follow.  When I think of these posts, it seems like I can get my thoughts all straightened out, but when I put it 'on paper' it never comes out just right.  I don't know if I really get my point across sometimes.  This is no different, but what I'm trying to say is that without heart, and without hope, the attempts are so much more difficult.  Yes, easier in some ways because you can distance yourself.  But in the long run that is so bad.  After months or years it wears you down and will eventually break you.  If you remember to let your feelings have their time and place, if you remember to keep hoping when it seems impossible, then you will be able to make the right treatment decisions for your given situation, and then you will be able to live with those decisions and the possible outcomes.

Please remember those in your lives that do not have children.  If they've never told you it's because they don't want children, then that may not be the case.  They may have spent much time struggling to reach that dream that for some is so difficult to reach.  They may still be trying, they may be mid treatment cycle, they may have just failed another, or maybe even just found out the last one worked but they're not ready to tell yet.  They may have recently suffered a miscarriage, or another miscarriage.  They may have finally chosen to live child free.  They may be struggling on the path to adoption, waiting for the call to come.  One never knows the struggles that someone is going through, and this is one of the most difficult there is.  It's life changing in so many ways.  It makes relationships stronger and breaks them up.  It wipes out savings accounts, racks up debt, keeps someone from buying a house, going back to school, taking a dream vacation, or quitting the job they hate; maybe even to be a stay at home parent to their first miracle.

Don't ignore the human side of infertility.  It's not all about stats, it's all about people and their dreams.